For some readers, this study may be particularly disturbing. If you are going through a crisis right now; if you are close to someone having this experience, some of these things may annoy, hit a sensitive nerve, or even provoke a defensive response. I'm sorry, but my intention is this: Before you get a divorce, please try to sit down with your Bible and soberly think through all that's involved, when God's Word is applied. As you go through this deliberation, remember that God's law was given "for your good," (Deut. 10:12,13). Before you proceed with a divorce, consider ...
1. Do you have biblical grounds? The only grounds I can read about in the Bible is "fornication." Only when my mate has been guilty of fornication, am I free to put the guilty one away and marry another. Surely, before beginning the divorce process, you should take this into account. Do you have biblical grounds? The Lord said, "Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery," (Matt. 19:9). It may be hard to study this verse if you are currently in the middle of a crisis. Better to consider it now than later!
{See the supplemental article following this, by Robert Turner }
2. Are you violating the Lord's prohibition? He said, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder," (Matt. 19:6). The language of that last phrase is prohibitive! The Lord is telling us that this is something we are NOT to do. "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Before you go through with this, ask yourself, "Am I putting asunder that which God joined together?"
3. Are you just looking for a way out of commitments? I fear, in some cases, there hasn't been infidelity and there is no impasse or emergency. Sometimes the root problem is, one or both parties are looking for a way out of the commitments inherent in wedlock. Yes, it is true that some spouses commit fornication; there are abusive husbands, selfish wives and innocent parties. But let us recognize that in some cases, it is a matter of wanting out of the commitments. Please understand, if this is the underlying motive for the divorce, (a) God hasn't given you permission to put asunder what He joined just because you are weary of the obligations, and (b) if you are getting tired of the obligations of marriage and family life, there is the danger you'll soon become weary of other responsibilities. The solution here is not a divorce, but a decision to be more mature about adult life and accountability to God. Reassess your relationship with God, see the counsel of His Word; be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might.
3. Are you seeking to open a door for permissive living? Some marriage problems are only symptoms. While we shouldn't minimize the problems in the marriage, there is some underlying attitude, misconception or desire that is manifesting itself in the marital relationship. If I want to be free of the restraints of godly living and the authority of Christ, this lust may first manifest itself in my marriage. I may rush into a divorce, self-deceived that the marriage is my problem. When, in fact, I just want to join the world in the folly of sin.
4. Have you been patient and forgiving? The Bible upholds the sanctify of marriage, and condemns the intrusion of adultery, but the Bible also commends to us the quality of patience, being longsuffering and forgiving (Eph. 4:31f). Nothing in what the Lord taught (in Matthew 19) demands that you are obligated to secure a divorce the moment you discover your spouse has been unfaithful! Discovery of infidelity should prompt appeals to repent, offers of forgiveness and time to turn around.
5. Try to think through all the consequences, detached from the emotions of a troubled relationship. It will be argued that this is impossible. How can you soberly think through the ramifications of ending this relationship, when you are hurt, miserable, mad and despairing? I have no easy answer. Yet we know we were made in the image of God. This means we have the ability to think things through; we have been granted the capacity to ponder our ways and preview the outcome of decisions. If, for example, I put away my wife (who hasn't committed sexual immorality), I must lay aside the subjective feelings of the crisis long enough to come face to face with what the Lord said. "...Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery....," (Matt. 19:9). Right now, in the crisis of the hour, I may feel compelled to put her away and "get on with my life." But I need to get a firm grip on this --> According to what the Lord taught in this verse, if I "marry another" I involve myself in "adultery!" [Is there some mature Christian with whom you have a cordial relationship, who might help you think through the challenges and consequences of what you are planning to do? Often, it is helpful in such cases to consult with someone with Biblical values, but who may not be hindered or blinded by the deep emotional investment you have.]
6. If you are separating with a view toward divorce, to protect yourself and your children from abuse and harm, it may be wise to keep the doors of communication and reconciliation open. Some women find themselves in this position. They are not prepared to affirm that infidelity has taken place, but they are subjected to physical abuse and potential calamity threatens the children. Dreadful decisions have to be made and challenging alternatives must be weighed and prayed about. Some women, in these threatening circumstances, have reluctantly decided that separation is necessary for protection; for conscience' sake, this alternative is accompanied by a commitment to remain unmarried (1 Cor. 7:10,11). Others separate from the abusive spouse for protection, discover that adultery was ongoing before the protective separation and file on those grounds. My point is, if you secure a protective separation, this doesn't mean you must sever all contact and it doesn't mean a divorce must follow. By the power of the gospel, despicable and violent people have changed their course (Rom. 1:16,17; 1 Cor. 6:9-11).
7. What position are you putting your mate in? There is a phrase in Matthew 5:32 you need to look at now: " ... causes her to commit adultery!" The complete thought is: "But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery." If you take the initiative to break the marriage bond, when fornication is not the grounds, what does the Lord say you are doing? If you are walking out of the marriage and fornication is not the grounds, you can read this verse without the exception clause to see what the Lord said you are doing: "...whoever divorces his wife ... causes her to commit adultery!" Better for you to digest this now, before you visit the attorney!
8. What about the children? Perhaps you can already see the hurt, confusion and loss in their countenance. And, while your attitude may be: "I'll get this over with, hurt for a little while, then go on with my life," do you think a five year old shares this perspective? In all likelihood, the children will be hurt now and in the days ahead. The pain of betrayal may be very hard to overcome when being shuffled around from place to place to fulfill court ordered visitation, see grandparents and meet prospective step-parents. Is there any way you can spare your children this experience? {See the recent Reader╒s Digest article, ╥DIVORCE AND KIDS: THE EVIDENCE IS IN,╙ P.#118, Reader╒s Digest, July, 1993.}
Conclusion
It has not been the intent of this article, to foster prejudice against all who go through a divorce. Clearly, the Lord contemplated the contingency of an innocent spouse putting away an impenitent fornicator, with the right to remarry (Matt. 5:32; 19;9). And, while we must proceed with sober caution, there are conditions where a wife must protect herself and her children from harm. What prompted this article is the concern and the hope, that married people will use divine truth in the decisions they make, and endeavor to prayerfully reflect over all the phases and consequences of this miserable thing called "divorce." Regardless of where the world is headed on this subject, may God's people continue to preach the words of Christ: "Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man divide!" (Matt. 19:6).
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Supplement ...
Matthew 19:9 & 5:32
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--Robert Turner--
WHOSOEVER shall do two things: (1) put away his wife, and (2) marry another (wife); that "WHOSO" committeth adultery -- EXCEPT (or, unless) he do these two things because he found his first wife to be a fornicator; i.e., unfaithful sexually, to the marriage vows -- failing to keep herself only to him. Stated in reverse: he does NOT commit adultery if he (1) puts away a sexually unfaithful wife, and (2) marries another (wife).
Then, a second WHOSO (K.J. "he that" in A.S.) must be considered. WHOSO does but one thing: (1) marries the put away woman. That whoso "committeth adultery." The "put away" one in this passage is the woman guilty of fornication. I say this because the innocent man in the first instance was, via the "except," free to marry again; and I find nothing to indicate one sex was treated differently, respecting morality, than the other. It seems she is an adulteress, and cannot remarry without involving the one who marries her in adultery. He has no right to marry a known adulteress. That is my understanding of Matthew 19.
Textual critics will have to work out the likeness or difference in the wording of Matt. 19:9 and 5:32, but I can only deal with them as found now. Matt. 5:32 says WHOSOEVER ("ever one," A.S.) who does ONE thing: (1) putteth away his wife; that WHOSO causeth something, ("maketh" A.S.) a result. He is not here represented as an adulterer himself, but he has a responsibility toward his wife. "Maketh her" assumes her forced celibate condition pressures her into remarriage. The separation does not free her to marry again (1 Cor. 7:11), hence, her new relation is adulterous. The above is true EXCEPT ("saving for the cause") she was put away because she had been sexually unfaithful to her husband. In such a case, the man is not responsible for her adultery -- she was an adulterer when he put her away. And, WHOSOEVER shall mary such a woman is likewise guilty of adultery.
In writing the above, I did not consult a single commentary, I did not look at any debate charts, and perhaps, most importantly on the negative side, I did not take any "situation" into consideration, kinfolk or otherwise. I simply read the two passages through many times, in King James and American Standard versions; and then I tried to write what I felt the two passages taught. There may be "what if's" galore, that could get me all confused; and I am certain that there are many, many cases that may make me wish it was some other way -- just for their sake. But that is looking at the Scriptures subjectively. I tried to look at them objectively.
In closing, I think it should be noted that Jesus is not "making divorce law." He is restating the high ethics and ideals of God's marriage principle, and calling upon man to strive to live up to that standard. Man's weakness does not dilute God's standard nor excuse sin. "He that is able to receive it, let him receive it," (Matt. 19:12b).
